That is “bad” as in Bruce Lee or “you really don’t want to read this book but you do want to read more of my brilliant stuff” or perhaps, a modification named Bethenny.
Read on.
1) The first rule of the Bad Writers Guide is there is no book.
2-3) The second rule is that while there may be a book (Fight Club was a fantasy, face it) the reviewer will not read it. This is very important to keeping maximum focus on your own prose and avoiding an emotional attachment to your subject matter (that is rule three)
4) The fourth rule is that while the reviewer shall not read the book, he or she should read the summary on Wikkipedia to get the gist of the story and, in certain instances, read sections of the book that showcase the presence of verbal pyrotechnics. Think long stretches of Thomas McGuane read aloud.
5) Recognize that while Wikkipedia is to be used to gauge the significance of a book it is not to be seen as barometer of quality. Given that most people do not read good books or simply settle for the beige reviews of powerful publishing moguls, using Wikkipedia as a tour guide to tenditious work is a suitable strategy.
6) Avoid words like “tenditious” when they are wrongly used in a sentence. On the other hand, when you consider that the average reader is often nothing more than frequenter of book clubs who is spoon fed suburban porn or repulsive social practices in backward southern states, such “big words” may be used to lure them to your your side. As long as the syntax sounds cool and chilled, ala Brett Eston Ellis, your new fans won’t ask too many questions. Plus, once they realize you have been using words that have no place in your sentences they will be too embarassed to disown you.
Think Congressman Weiner. Is it worse to have a liar exposed or to have live footage of you listening and lovin’ his every utterance?
7) Begin creating your fan club by choosing an important work that no one has actually read. This way you can immediately put the focus on what you have to say and how you say it.
While there is more to share, we suggest you get cracking right now by typing out your thoughts to something by Thomas Pynchon, or perhaps, Bethenny Frankel. While the later is not important, she has indeed perfected the art of what this little missive is all about. After all she doesn’t even read the books that others write for her.
Plus, she is supposed to give great television.
Something that, ironically, the one person most responsible for the sorry state of fiction in America is struggling to accomplish.
And may she continue to ownest less.
