GroovyMan

That is “bad” as in Bruce Lee or “you really don’t want to read this book but you do want to read more of my brilliant stuff” or perhaps, a modification named Bethenny.

Read on.

1) The first rule of the Bad Writers Guide is there is no book.
2-3) The second rule is that while there may be a book (Fight Club was a fantasy, face it) the reviewer will not read it. This is very important to keeping maximum focus on your own prose and avoiding an emotional attachment to your subject matter (that is rule three)
4) The fourth rule is that while the reviewer shall not read the book, he or she should read the summary on Wikkipedia to get the gist of the story and, in certain instances, read sections of the book that showcase the presence of verbal pyrotechnics. Think long stretches of Thomas McGuane read aloud.
5) Recognize that while Wikkipedia is to be used to gauge the significance of a book it is not to be seen as barometer of quality. Given that most people do not read good books or simply settle for the beige reviews of powerful publishing moguls, using Wikkipedia as a tour guide to tenditious work is a suitable strategy.
6) Avoid words like “tenditious” when they are wrongly used in a sentence. On the other hand, when you consider that the average reader is often nothing more than frequenter of book clubs who is spoon fed suburban porn or repulsive social practices in backward southern states, such “big words” may be used to lure them to your your side. As long as the syntax sounds cool and chilled, ala Brett Eston Ellis, your new fans won’t ask too many questions. Plus, once they realize you have been using words that have no place in your sentences they will be too embarassed to disown you.

Think Congressman Weiner. Is it worse to have a liar exposed or to have live footage of you listening and lovin’ his every utterance?

7) Begin creating your fan club by choosing an important work that no one has actually read. This way you can immediately put the focus on what you have to say and how you say it.

While there is more to share, we suggest you get cracking right now by typing out your thoughts to something by Thomas Pynchon, or perhaps, Bethenny Frankel. While the later is not important, she has indeed perfected the art of what this little missive is all about. After all she doesn’t even read the books that others write for her.

Plus, she is supposed to give great television.

Something that, ironically, the one person most responsible for the sorry state of fiction in America is struggling to accomplish.

And may she continue to ownest less.

While reading a vapid article on the merits of “The Post Modern Girlfriend” spliced in-between readings of our favorite car magazines, we suddenly realized why we hate modern BMWs (along with a few other epiphanies.)

We have always understood “post modern thought” to eschew the past–including antiquated things like human emotion, sensuality and the like. If these are the qualities of modern BMWs (which we believe they are), then our world is the less for it.

“Hit with a Bangle stick” is the frequent description of the 2000-2009 BMWs that were ostensibly designed by the American Chris Bangle but actually created by a Dutch designer named Arie Vanderwouk, or close to it.

We once had a Dutch Art Director work for us. He found our Midwestern attachment to voluptuous Swedish lovelies (wife, mom, etc.) and the beauty of the sunsets on Lake Superior outdated. They were wretchedly romantic to his post-modern mind. And while he played computer car games with abandon, he found our emotional attachment to real cars abhorrent.

To this Dutchman with an equally unpronounceable name the automobile was a transportation appliance. He appreciated the odd design flourish in all his appliances (insisted on a stunningly handsome Krupps coffemaker) but never spoke passionately about automobiles. He was also deeply offended by our propensity to personalize our own collection of rides with randy names. This may have have explained his fondness for what Coert (sounds like “hurt”) claimed to be the ultimate in design or the suits of the mid-70s East German swim team.

Or was it shot-put?

Alas, while Alfa Romeos (Gina and Melones), Caddy (Elvis) and Green Fiat (Kermit Sutra) may never have matched the cool efficiency of Coert’s favorite machines, at least they had a certain mojo. Which we think has something to do with sex.

(Photo: Kornelia Enders DDR, Montreal 1976)

This book is apparently an actual how-to manual about killing for hire. It was reportedly a go-to reference guide for the sadistic Made Man Tommy “Karate” Pitane who liked to bring a hacksaw along on his assignments. Some time later the book was banned by a minor court and financial problems ensued for the publishers. Tommy was no longer around to help them as he was put away for life.

This all leads us to the conclusion that it is simply amazing the things that you can assimilate while killing time with cable TV. If you’ve been reading our posts on modern day television drama you might find a storyline to pitch to A&E in here. We’ll want some money for it later, but you’re cool with us for now. No, you really are.

The composition of this photo is exquisite. The juxtaposition of symbolism, powerful. Or is this merely a Canadian waving the flag? Perhaps we should ask Bing–which fetches this picture when you type in “Islamists.” While I clearly see a patriot in this picture, it is a pity that technology curates such an image for the less informed.

We only hope that a myopic student plotting future global domination will focus his or her megalomania someday on the Middle East instead of Manitoba. Even with all that oil in Alberta.

Or take up photography.

And render Bill Gates motionless with a secret camera.

These files are the work of one of the finest working graphic designers online. We will be sending more updates and properly formatting them soon. We are so excited, however, that we are rushing them to the page. Jon Stone is the clever fellow’s name and he also designed the often imitated lock-up that is our logo. Lovely little illustration work as well. More to come in the future.